White Sprinter Vans (WSV’s), much like the sailboard-topped cars of the 1980’s, are an icon of the Gorge. From mid-May on through Labor Day, you can’t drive down Oak Street without seeing at least one of these ideal sports rigs. Sprinter Vans submit readily to customization, making them the Tinyhome of the sports world. On any given night, you will find White Sprinter Vans (containing WSV owners) sleeping under the stars along the streets of Hood River.
Ah, yes. The WSV. I’d like to talk a little more now about WSV’s as a species.
First off, all Sprinter Vans are white. You may find this difficult to believe, as your eyes may tell you something different. But it’s true: Just as all humans are human underneath various skin colors, all Sprinter Vans are White Sprinter Vans underneath the color your eyes perceive. This begs a question: what are you seeing when you perceive yellow, blue, grey, black, red or some other color blazing forth from a Sprinter Van? You are seeing an aura, a colored representation of mood. You see, WSV’s do not have limbic systems; emotions are factory-set and come through as a color. Here’s a key:
Red: Angry White Sprinter Van
Cream: Apathetic White Sprinter Van
Brown: Earth Mother, spiritual White Sprinter Van
White: Well-balanced, grounded White Sprinter Van
Grey: Slightly moody White Sprinter Van
Black: Depressed White Sprinter Van
Green: Calm and contented White Sprinter Van
Orange: Excited and curious White Sprinter Van
Logos: Tattooed, feisty White Sprinter Van
Yellow: The rarest of all, the enlightened White Sprinter Van
You may have noticed WSV’s outside of their natural habitat of Hood River, usually on weekdays? This is because WSV’s need jobs too. They may get 20-25 miles per gallon, but they still need money to eat (they only eat diesel). WSV’s almost always work 7am-4pm, with a one hour lunch break between noon and one. You’re suspicious of this claim, I know, but try counting WSV’s on the freeway. You’ll find the numbers drop between noon and one, after 4pm, and on the weekends, when the WSV’s either catch up on sleep or head to the Gorge.
You are curious to hear about the dating life of WSV’s, I know. Being a hybrid between three species, the camper van, the bread truck, and the cargo van, WSV’s are like mules: incapable of reproduction. That doesn’t stop them from trying. WSV sex occurs at highway speeds; be aware of WSV’s driving side-by-side. That’s WSV sex – the sounds of the two diesel engines in close proximity creates a resonance in the WSV body that leads to ecstasy.
It’s unfortunate that other companies have jumped on the WSV bandwagon, attempting to copy what cannot be copied. REAL WSV’s only eat diesel. They display a Dodge, Freightliner, or Mercedes logo. Post 2014, White Cargo Vans (WCV) wearing a Dodge logo are no longer WSV’s; they are Dodge Rams. Do not be confused. Ford makes a WCV that is very similar to a WSV. Do not be confused by that either; it is a Transit, not a Sprinter. Nissan also makes a WCV. That one is called the NV. It is not a WSV either.
If you are curious about other aspects of White Sprinter Van life, feel free to shoot me an email, and I’ll try to incorporate that information here. If you’d like to submit a photo of a WSV, I would welcome that, especially if those photos are from anywhere outside the Gorge. Please take photos in horizontal orientation with some space around the WSV, as photos will be cropped to 480×200. Include the location of the photo and your name so I can give you credit.
It warms my heart to know you are interested in White Sprinter Vans too. I hope you enjoy observing them as much as I do!
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